changed

I'm so sorry it's been over a month since I've posted an update, but honestly, there's not much new to report. Right now, I'm still having the weekly treatments (Herceptin and Taxol). There are 2 more of those, then (I think) I get a break for a couple weeks before the next round. A couple weeks ago I had an appointment with Dr. B. He measured the tumor and said it appears to be less than half the size that it was when I started - this week, I've noticed that it's barely palpable anymore, so that's pretty awesome! I am doing fairly well with everything; I can't say that I've had most of the side effects that I was told to expect, and the ones I've had haven't been unbearable. The main thing for me has been fatigue & just generally not feeling good for a couple days after each treatment. My energy level and appetite are not what they used to be. But, I'm not the kind of person to complain about everything, so writing about all the interesting things I'm dealing with, normal or weird, just won't happen. It seems redundant to come here every week and say the same thing - so I just haven't said anything :)

So, we're all doing fine - the kids will be out of school for the summer this week, Sarge is still just the best thing ever, and I'm surviving. It's sort of weird actually; it's still very surreal to say/believe that I have cancer and we're moving through this whole process of chemotherapy and oncologists and such, when most days I try very hard to just be the same person I was before January 20th.

One of the most difficult things I'm dealing with was not unexpected. I even wrote about it already, and anticipated it. It still seems pretty shallow, though. It's difficult to see myself every day, with no hair, sparse eyelashes, and acne. It's easy to put on make-up and a wig, but those have to come off every night. Even though I know this is a process and it's only for a season, it's not easy to see myself like that. It's almost easier to deal with the physical side effects like fatigue and loss of appetite rather than the emotional drain of seeing a different person every time I look in the mirror. I know that the physical side effects will subside as soon as my treatment is completed; but seeing myself changed will continue for some months more. I know I said that losing my hair was easier than I expected, and it really was; I am sort of enjoying not having to worry about whether it'll be a good or bad hair day! But, there's a big part of me that just really wants to see ME when I look in the mirror. And right now, I don't see ME.

(And please know that I'm not fishing for compliments or comments to the contrary; I'm just telling you how I feel. Feeling and knowing are two very different things. I do believe what I wrote; but it's still difficult to manage the emotion of it.)

I guess that's part of this whole thing though. The person I was before January 20th IS changed. And I guess for what it's worth, it's a change for the better. People keep telling me that I have such a great attitude about all of this; I always tell them I'm not sure how people get through things like this WITHOUT a good attitude. I mean, I could sit around in self-pity all the time, but really, how much fun is it to live in a pit? Even without hair, I'd rather my kids know that you can LIVE with cancer. Self-pity is not required, and there is beauty in the most ordinarily extraordinary circumstances of life. And hopefully, one day, when they look back on this time of our lives, they will see exactly that.