Round Two

So, I've been absent. (and this might get long) (and maybe boring, too)

But that's not a bad thing (the absent part. I make no promises about the other two). Up until last week, my focus was on doing what I could to prepare for VBS at our church. As most of you know, I work in the Children's Ministry, so this is the biggest event of the year for us. I had sort of checked out of preparation early on because I didn't know if I'd even be able to be involved. In the month or so leading up to it, I realized that my two week break between treatments would fall during VBS. I was excited about that, because even though it's a lot of work, it's always such a fun week - and it was! We had a great week, and although I started out still a bit unsure of how I'd plow through the week, God graced me with plenty of strength! This past weekend, we took a few days to go visit our families, and when we returned on Monday, we dropped off Bubba & Dude to spend 3 days at Jr. High camp. Obviously, it's been a busy few weeks! I have been very grateful for the "normal" in the midst of this craziness. Being able to "forget" about the new normal of doctor appointments and treatments and all is refreshing. But coming back is a little rude. I guess it just makes the "normal" times that much sweeter.

Anyhow, Tuesday was the big day, the beginning of the second round of treatment. (Did I mentioned that I finished the first round with no issues on May 31st? Yeah, there was that!) I had been prepared that this one would probably be worse; but no one can tell you exactly what it will be like. Everyone responds differently, so while there is a good idea of the effects, you really just have to wait & see.

True to form, this Tuesday threw me a curve ball. We first met with Dr. B, and I expressed my anxiety. He was, as always, reassuring.

But.

There was a problem. This round of treatment combines 3 different drugs. Unfortunately, one of them is experiencing a nationwide shortage, and I (of course) am only the 3rd patient of Dr. B's to experience this. Dr. B explained that leaving out one component of treatment is like baking a cake and leaving out an ingredient. Probably wouldn't have disastrous results, but it probably wouldn't bring about the same results. He explained that all three drugs were important and necessary in this protocol. The solution is that I would take the drug in pill form rather than by IV.

But.

The problem with that is that there is *not* a protocol for using the pill form with the same dose and timing that I'm on. So changing one thing would in essence change everything. The usual protocol for the pill form is a 28 day cycle; I am scheduled for a 21 day cycle. Changing this would mean changing the other 2 medications as well; this would not be as simple as moving everything back a week. Without boring you with all of those details, Dr. B set out to determine what would now be the best course. (Obviously, this is something that affects many patients; I just got the joy of being one of the first)

As he worked on that, I sat and thought. And my mind immediately went to the devotion I had read just that morning. It reminded me not to trust in special diets, medications, or certain vitamins for my healing. My healing and my help come only from One. So, my first thought was that maybe I *was* supposed to skip this drug. Maybe I was supposed to step out on faith and trust in God to take care of the rest.

As I thought, Dr. B returned. He consulted with the breast cancer research doctor and most current journals, and the best course with my current protocol would be to take this particular drug in pill form for 10 days with each infusion. And then he sort of paused and said, "I really don't think we need to skip this one."

Well. There you go.

Now, some people may look at that & say that I'm still trusting in man/medicine/etc to heal me. But the Dr. B that I know puts God over medicine, and I am confident that if he felt it was okay to omit this drug, he would have told me as much. I am not by any stretch of the imagination an expert, so knowing that I have someone on my side who I can trust means everything. Even though I know that my healing still lies in God's hands, I am confident that Dr. B has my best interest in his.

So, with that decision made and prescription in hand, I made my way to the infusion suite. Sarge left to get us some lunch, so I started out on my own. I was pleasantly surprised by a sweet new friend who is also a patient of Dr. B. She recently completed her journey, using the same treatment plan as me, so she has been a super source of encouragement and advice. We sat & talked and filled the time until Sarge returned with lunch. Her presence was gift enough, but she brought me a little something as a visual reminder of God's overwhelming grace. It was a Willow Tree figurine, aptly titled "Courage" - how beautiful is the picture of courage here - arms outstretched, victorious and ready to receive a divine outpouring of supernatural strength!

The word courage had been on my mind just the day before, as we made our way back home from our trip. The anxiety and dread were already beginning to swell, and as I searched for reassurance of God's perfect plan, that word flooded my mind. I really don't think of myself as especially brave or courageous. I'm doing what I have to do. I *have* to do this; I don't really have much choice. I can either be pitiful or powerful.* I don't see any worth in spending my time in pity or despair; I have better things to do (like be a mom and wife). So what I do, in my mind, is living. It's not being being brave, it's just taking care of business. But without God, I would not have the courage to face this giant alone. I say it all the time, I don't know how people go through something like this without Him. Moses faced Pharaoh, David faced Goliath, Daniel faced the lions, Esther faced the King, Job faced, well, everyone, Paul faced prison, John faced beheading - all because God gave them the strength and the confidence to do what they had to do. I'm sure they didn't think of what they were doing as being especially brave. I'm sure they were anxious or fearful. But we learn from each of them that God blesses our obedience. So more than anything, I want to obey. And because of that, I press on.

With Courage at the forefront of my mind, I finished up that first treatment. I didn't feel a whole lot different yet, but one of the new nausea medications made me very sleepy. We stopped to get the 3rd drug filled, but since it's a special type of drug it had to be ordered. So home we went. I could tell later that night that this one really was different. I. felt. awful. That feeling continued on Wednesday...and Thursday...and Friday. On Friday morning, I was so ready to feel better; I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but I don't like being down. Not being able to do all the things I normally do (like eat) is *really* hard for me (being the control freak, OCD person that I am) (did I mention that?). I did manage to work for a bit on Thursday, but I probably should not have. Anyway, Sarge was taking the kids to see a movie on Friday. He asked me if I wanted to try to go, and I told him no; I still felt bad, I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to eat, I just wanted to be done. He persisted a bit, and said I would probably feel better if I got out. Against my better(?) judgement, I decided to try & get ready to go. I figured if I didn't make through that, I'd stay home. But I managed it. And I managed to eat some lunch. And being out didn't kill me. It actually did make me feel a bit better. And even though I wasn't full of energy, I didn't feel like curling up under the covers and hiding for the rest of the day. And that was nice.

Today has been a little better than that, even. Not much, but small steps, you know? Taking the pills every day so far doesn't seem to be too big of a deal physically; we'll see if I still feel that way next week. Mentally, it's a tough game. I fight with myself, knowing they might make me feel bad - knowing that in essence, I'm poisoning myself - but knowing there is a greater good somewhere in them. It's so much easier to go sit in a chair and let someone else take care of it; it's totally different having the responsibility all on me. There may be good in this, though: this drug can be particularly toxic, and by taking it in this form rather than straight into my blood stream, it may be less so. We shall see. One of the biggest problems I'm having is drinking plenty of water/fluids, as this medication can irritate the bladder & kidneys. I am not a drinker (hahaha), so drinking *more,* especially when I don't feel like it, is particularly difficult. I'm not as worried about not being able to eat as I am drinking. So that's something you can pray for - that I'd be able to manage the fluids I need, especially on the days I feel the worst. I am hopeful that the worst days will be only the few days after each of these treatments, and that means I only have 3 more - or maybe 15 total days of feeling really crappy. Thank goodness for Zofran, Compazine & Ambien. They might make those days go a bit faster. I cannot tell you all how much your prayers, thoughts, and acts of kindness have meant to us. The next few weeks cannot go by fast enough, but I am grateful that they will not be passed alone.

*The phrase "Pitiful or Powerful" isn't my idea; I heard that years ago, and it's always stuck with me!